Peanut Butter and Jam (yes, "J" is for jam, NOT jelly. Jam is simply better) Sandwichs: How to make a delicious one.
When making a delicious PB²&J sandwich, bread is obviously an essential part of the sandwich.
Choosing your bread... Choose quality. Don't ever settle for some dried out, expired, crumby piece of Wonder Bread™. I know thats probably something one of my roomates would do, but its only cause they are nieve and poor. That is the difference between a being descriminating PB&J sandwich conesueir, and being a total prick. If you can find something baked within the last 24-48 hours, I recommend using that. I also advise against using white bread (unless of course it was baked in the last 24-48 hours.. freshness always takes priority.) Multi-grain and wheat breads and really tie all the flavors of peanut and butter and jam together quite nicely.
Once you have selected your bread (no end pieces please), Its time to apply the PB (peanut butter). Now this is what really can make or break your sandwich. Choosing your PB... First, you need to choose a brand of PB. Don't go generic. You'll regret it l8r if you do. The two brands I recommend is Skippy™ and JIF™ (although I'm a Skippy™ man myself.) Get creamy. Crunchy isn't even and option. Crunchy will kill your sandwich and dump it off the Brooklyn Bridge. Your sandwich will be "sleeping with the fishes" as they say. The PB MUST be evenly applied to one side of both slices of bread in a 2:1 ratio. This is what sets it apart as a PB²&J sandwich, as compared to a regular old PB&J. On the initial slice, you need to apply two thirds (2/3) the amount of total PB you want on the finished product. This can be tricky just trying to eye-ball and gage the amount of PB to put on it, unless you are a well practiced PB&J sandwich architect. If you mess up and put too much, thats okay, throw it away and start over. Making a PB&J is about making mistakes (and sandwiches) and learning from them. Once you've spread the PB on the initial slice, it is now time to commense the spreading of PB on slice number 2. You may be asking yourself why you would need to spread PB on both of the inner sides of your bread. And here is the simple answer. If you let your jam touch your bread, its gonna get soggy, and the only thing worst than a soggy sandwich is a soggy sandwich with dog poop in it. Spread the PB thin. Use approximately half as much PB as you did on the first slice, creating that glorious 2:1 ratio as described earlier.
Jammer time! (like Hammer time!, except its time to spread the jam, not listen to MC Hammer, although in theory, you could do both at the same time... something to contimplate while setting a constructive atmosphere for your PB²&J sandwich creating experience.)
Choosing the RIGHT jam...
I know, I know.. There are alot of choices to make when making a PB²&J sandwich, but when you are creating a work of art... Something you can really be proud of... There is NO cutting corners. The absolute best jams are ALWAYS home made. If you can get your hands on a jar of home made jam, regardless of flavor, you will enjoy your sandwich ten times more because of that little touch of home infused with your sandwich. But if your mom won't share a jar of jam with you, and making your own sounds like alot of work... there is an alternative. Yep, you guessed it, store bought jam. Smuckers™ is okay and relatively cheap, but its definetly not home made. I recommend raspberry. It has a little bit of a zing to it, which can really add alot to the experience. Strawberry is also highly recommended if you have a little bit of a sweet tooth like me. Don't get grape jam and DO NOT under ANY circumstances get anything from Smuckers™ "Goober" line (it has both the jam and the PB in the same jar, what an awful idea) or the any of the squeezable jams. Once you have selected your jam, spread that ish all up in here!!! (I like to spread it on slice two to make slices one and two a little bit closer in weight, just my personal preferrence.)
Putting your sandwich together...
Put the slice of bread with out jam on top of the slice with jam.
Now you have a work of art. A PB²&J sandwich. It's beautiful... and delicious.
Bon Appetite my friends!
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Interesting Deaths
A while back, when I was working a Noodles & Company™, I had an interesting conversation with some of my coworkers that I would like to share with you. Yep, Y-O-U. Its about death. But specifically terrible deaths. ie: ways to die. The two that I personally thought were the most creative and well thought out came from Steven and Weston.
Scenario 1:
You are in the room. No doors. No windows. How did you get in here? It's irrelevant, so I'm not going to bother explaining how. After being in the room for just over an hour, you start noticing the ceiling isnt't quite as high as it was when you first got in the room. It's nearly a foot closer to you than it originally was. Seven hours go by, and at this point, you have been lying on the ground for quite sometime. The room isn't tall enough to be in any other position. Eventually you can feel the ceiling start to press up against the side of your cheek. Pressure builds and you can feel your cheek bones starting to crack. The ceiling is pressing so hard, but so slowly, it cracks your skull. But because it is going so slow you can still process thought and feel shards of your skull pressing up into your brain until you are rendered unconcious or dead.
Sounds awful. Thanks Steven.
Scenario 2:
This one is a little bit different. This one is more of a "How to..." on creating a horrific and bloody mess out of a suicide, also creating a little bit of a mystery for the detectives who work on your case.
Step one: Find a tall building with a roof or balcony that is easily accessible. (I recommend the balcony for reasons that I will address shortly. Also, not too high, 4th floor through 6th floor should be sufficient.. but keep in mind, this is just an idea, and has not (to my knowledge) been tested.)
Step two: Go to Lowe's or Home Depot and pick yourself up some razor wire and super glue. (Industrial strength on both, please.)
Step three: Using gloves and/or pliers, attach one end of the razor wire around the hand rail that goes around the balcony... You know what Im talking about. Be sure to leave your self some slack. You'll need it l8r.
Step four: Take the other end and wrap it around your neck. Be careful not to cut yourself. There are some major arteries in your neck and damaging one of those babies and bleeding out on the balcony of some high-end Las Vegas hotel would just be embarrassing for you, and everyone you are leaving behind.
Step five: Here is where the super glue comes into play and it all starts making a little bit of sense. Glue your hands to the side of your head.
Step six: Jump off the side of the balcony.
If everything happens according to plan, the razor wire should tighten up as gravity starts to pull your body downward. The razor wire should then slice right through your neck, severing your head from your body. Quick. Easy. Relatively painless (in theory). If you didn't listen and went with the cheaper, weaker razor wire you run the risk of it just snapping and you looking like a fool. Because your hands are glued to the side of your head, once you hit the ground, who ever finds you should see your dead body holding your own severed head!
Tasteless! I love it! Thanks Weston.
DISCLAIMER: I do not actually recommend suicide (especially this method) as a means to an end. This scenario is purely for fanticising and to get the gears of creativity moving in your mind.
Suicide=bad.
Feel free to leave your own ideas of terrible ways to go in the comment area.
Scenario 1:
You are in the room. No doors. No windows. How did you get in here? It's irrelevant, so I'm not going to bother explaining how. After being in the room for just over an hour, you start noticing the ceiling isnt't quite as high as it was when you first got in the room. It's nearly a foot closer to you than it originally was. Seven hours go by, and at this point, you have been lying on the ground for quite sometime. The room isn't tall enough to be in any other position. Eventually you can feel the ceiling start to press up against the side of your cheek. Pressure builds and you can feel your cheek bones starting to crack. The ceiling is pressing so hard, but so slowly, it cracks your skull. But because it is going so slow you can still process thought and feel shards of your skull pressing up into your brain until you are rendered unconcious or dead.
Sounds awful. Thanks Steven.
Scenario 2:
This one is a little bit different. This one is more of a "How to..." on creating a horrific and bloody mess out of a suicide, also creating a little bit of a mystery for the detectives who work on your case.
Step one: Find a tall building with a roof or balcony that is easily accessible. (I recommend the balcony for reasons that I will address shortly. Also, not too high, 4th floor through 6th floor should be sufficient.. but keep in mind, this is just an idea, and has not (to my knowledge) been tested.)
Step two: Go to Lowe's or Home Depot and pick yourself up some razor wire and super glue. (Industrial strength on both, please.)
Step three: Using gloves and/or pliers, attach one end of the razor wire around the hand rail that goes around the balcony... You know what Im talking about. Be sure to leave your self some slack. You'll need it l8r.
Step four: Take the other end and wrap it around your neck. Be careful not to cut yourself. There are some major arteries in your neck and damaging one of those babies and bleeding out on the balcony of some high-end Las Vegas hotel would just be embarrassing for you, and everyone you are leaving behind.
Step five: Here is where the super glue comes into play and it all starts making a little bit of sense. Glue your hands to the side of your head.
Step six: Jump off the side of the balcony.
If everything happens according to plan, the razor wire should tighten up as gravity starts to pull your body downward. The razor wire should then slice right through your neck, severing your head from your body. Quick. Easy. Relatively painless (in theory). If you didn't listen and went with the cheaper, weaker razor wire you run the risk of it just snapping and you looking like a fool. Because your hands are glued to the side of your head, once you hit the ground, who ever finds you should see your dead body holding your own severed head!
Tasteless! I love it! Thanks Weston.
DISCLAIMER: I do not actually recommend suicide (especially this method) as a means to an end. This scenario is purely for fanticising and to get the gears of creativity moving in your mind.
Suicide=bad.
Feel free to leave your own ideas of terrible ways to go in the comment area.
Shower + Bath = Shath
Ah a shath.... What is a "shath," you ask? Well if the title of this blog entry didn't give you a hint, let me spell it out for you.....
S.... S is for Shower. First you must shower. Cleanse your body if impurities... (not like a
baptism,baptism is for the cleansing of the soul... a quick shower (with soap) will be
suffecient to clean your body.) Cause the last thing you want in a bath, is to be bathing in
your own filth.
H.... H is for Heat. Make sure the water is HOT!
A.... A is for Awesome shath. Shaths are awesome.. and fun.
T.... T is for Turn your shower into a bath by plugging the bath tub up and let the water fill
up the tub until you are completely submerged in perfectly clean, hot water.
H.... H.. This second "H" is for Have popsicles (Otterpops™ are delicious, but most any delicious
popsicle will do) or Coca-Cola™ , Coca-Cola Cherry™ , or Vanilla Coca-Cola™ (ice cold, in a
can).
GUARANTEED to be a life-changing experience. You'll never want to go back to a quote-unquote "shower" again.. if you can even call it that. And just a plain old bath??? Forget about it. Once you take a shath, you never go back. So for people who dont enjoy fun and liesurely activities, than this is not for you... but if you're fun, and coooooool. Bon apetite! Eat this up.
S.... S is for Shower. First you must shower. Cleanse your body if impurities... (not like a
baptism,baptism is for the cleansing of the soul... a quick shower (with soap) will be
suffecient to clean your body.) Cause the last thing you want in a bath, is to be bathing in
your own filth.
H.... H is for Heat. Make sure the water is HOT!
A.... A is for Awesome shath. Shaths are awesome.. and fun.
T.... T is for Turn your shower into a bath by plugging the bath tub up and let the water fill
up the tub until you are completely submerged in perfectly clean, hot water.
H.... H.. This second "H" is for Have popsicles (Otterpops™ are delicious, but most any delicious
popsicle will do) or Coca-Cola™ , Coca-Cola Cherry™ , or Vanilla Coca-Cola™ (ice cold, in a
can).
GUARANTEED to be a life-changing experience. You'll never want to go back to a quote-unquote "shower" again.. if you can even call it that. And just a plain old bath??? Forget about it. Once you take a shath, you never go back. So for people who dont enjoy fun and liesurely activities, than this is not for you... but if you're fun, and coooooool. Bon apetite! Eat this up.
Really Great Ideas For Childrens Clown Names
Pedo the Clown
Jerry Sienfeld
Dootie (bomb)
Butterfree (girl clown/pokemon)
Kevin Otterson (a REAL clown)
Big Feet/Red Nose/Poka Dots
Mo Lester (the Clown)
... terrible and tasteless....? possibly and almost certainly..
nearly all of these names would be fitting for childrens clown names, especially if you add "the Clown" after it (except in the cases where the name already has "the Clown" at the end.. which would be rather redundant to say (blank) the Clown, the Clown... but on second thought, it really does put an extra emphasis on the fact that he/she is a clown... things to think about...)
Clowns are wierd anyway.. so fake... so smiley. I mean, making kids smile is priceless on almost any occasion... but people go to clown college to do it... sounds inappropriate to me. They deserve names like "Mo Lester" and ""Pedo" the Clown"...
Or they could just be nice people, who knows.... Ive never met a clown..
Its just a meditation.
Most of these thoughts are mine, but Andrew helped get the ball rolling on this one.
Jerry Sienfeld
Dootie (bomb)
Butterfree (girl clown/pokemon)
Kevin Otterson (a REAL clown)
Big Feet/Red Nose/Poka Dots
Mo Lester (the Clown)
... terrible and tasteless....? possibly and almost certainly..
nearly all of these names would be fitting for childrens clown names, especially if you add "the Clown" after it (except in the cases where the name already has "the Clown" at the end.. which would be rather redundant to say (blank) the Clown, the Clown... but on second thought, it really does put an extra emphasis on the fact that he/she is a clown... things to think about...)
Clowns are wierd anyway.. so fake... so smiley. I mean, making kids smile is priceless on almost any occasion... but people go to clown college to do it... sounds inappropriate to me. They deserve names like "Mo Lester" and ""Pedo" the Clown"...
Or they could just be nice people, who knows.... Ive never met a clown..
Its just a meditation.
Most of these thoughts are mine, but Andrew helped get the ball rolling on this one.
Rafting In The Summer On Utah Lake: A Haiku
Sun on my body,
Coca-Cola™ in my hand,
my life is a dream.
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