Monday, March 2, 2009

I Get Stage Fright

For any of you who actually know me live, you may think I am referring to the super amazing, very cool, major music award winning rock n' roll band, Vol Suetra, I was part of. You're probably thinking "Oh, He looked so cool up there, being all cool. He never looked nervous once! He's sssoooooo HAWT!!!", and although you are right about all of those things, there is one little thing that does make me nervous... and that is peeing. Yep, I know it may sound odd to some of you, but for others this hits VERY close to home. It happens to me everytime. I'll be in a public place such as a mall (wouldn't be caught dead there), or on UVU campus (GO WOLVERINES!! :) ), or a five star restaurant... and I like many people can relate, occasionally I will have to go pee. But as soon as I go in the bathroom, if someone else is there, I get what is sometimes referred to as "stage fright." I won't be able to focus on the issue at hand.. ME PEEING!!! So I'll end up standing there with my pants down at my ankles waiting for the guy next to me scram, and Im sure the whole time he's thinking "this guy has been here longer than I have, but I dont hear his pee splashing anywhere. Is he just creepin' and hanging out with his pants at his ankles?" And that makes me all self concious to think that he is thinking Im a weirdo. But the worst is if you get two "shy guys" (its almost like a secret club! :) we should have secret handshakes! Wouldn't that be sssooooo cool!) and then it kinda becomes a waiting game. Who will wait the longest to own the bathroom? It's rarely ever me, cause standing there in utter silence with my pants down, staring at a wall with someone I dont know only 12 inches away from me is super awkward. Today I had to hit THREE different bathrooms before I could find one where I could have some pee-ce and quiet (see what I did there.. like peace and quiet... but its PEE-ce and quiet.) It was utter hell. Its a weird phenomona, but it seems to happen every single time. Damn me and my shy urethra.

Monday, February 23, 2009


Sliders are a delicious version of a hamburger... like a baby hamburger.. but those cute little hamburgers, fresh from the womb, still dripping in after birth, is not what I am referring to today. I'm talkin' sliders for your tires baby! Yes, I am fun. Go to taco bell or some other fast food restaurant you really don't give two shits about. Get your food to stay. Once you're done scarfing down your quote-unquote "meal," take your plastic trays. (Two of them). Am I recommending stealing? Maybe.. Drive to an empty parking lot. Stop and put the trays in front of your back two tires. Slowly roll up on them so the back tires are on the centers of the trays. Put on the emergency brake. (YOUR CAR NEEDS TO BE FRONT WHEEL DRIVE.) The brake will lock your back tires on the trays. Now start doing "doughnuts." These bad boys slide all over the place. Super fun. Super wild. Its a naughty but fun activity to do on the weekend. Be wild and I guess be safe too.... well .. if you're cute.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

The World's First Pancake

College is a time of experimentation and innovation. As I have ventured into areas unknown to the new world, I have stumbled upon a thing, nay, an experience. With out further adieu, I present to you the worlds first pancake. You may be thinking "the pancake has been around for millenia. The Mayan's would have pancake breakfast socials after sacrafice." And though you may be right, the Mayan's weren't dining on this innovative 21st century snack. The pancake came to me in a dream. Its very similar to making a regular ol' pancake. EXCEPT THE BATTER IS CAKE BATTER!!!!!!! Its both innovative AND delicious. Of course if we are eating pancakes of the future, we are gonna need syrup and ice cream of the future, naturally this notion leans towards Dippin' Dots™. But Dippin' Dots™ are the ice cream of now. We need a new innovative ice cream. I came up with pancakes, its someone elses turn to think of ice cream. As for syrup, the best that I have come up with is super heated frosting so its liquidy, or maybe add a little milk or something to the frosting to kinda liquidy it up. Its an experience. I recommend giving it a whirl.

Bon Appetite!!!!

Thursday, January 29, 2009


Peanut Butter and Jam (yes, "J" is for jam, NOT jelly. Jam is simply better) Sandwichs: How to make a delicious one.

When making a delicious PB²&J sandwich, bread is obviously an essential part of the sandwich.
Choosing your bread... Choose quality. Don't ever settle for some dried out, expired, crumby piece of Wonder Bread™. I know thats probably something one of my roomates would do, but its only cause they are nieve and poor. That is the difference between a being descriminating PB&J sandwich conesueir, and being a total prick. If you can find something baked within the last 24-48 hours, I recommend using that. I also advise against using white bread (unless of course it was baked in the last 24-48 hours.. freshness always takes priority.) Multi-grain and wheat breads and really tie all the flavors of peanut and butter and jam together quite nicely.

Once you have selected your bread (no end pieces please), Its time to apply the PB (peanut butter). Now this is what really can make or break your sandwich. Choosing your PB... First, you need to choose a brand of PB. Don't go generic. You'll regret it l8r if you do. The two brands I recommend is Skippy™ and JIF™ (although I'm a Skippy™ man myself.) Get creamy. Crunchy isn't even and option. Crunchy will kill your sandwich and dump it off the Brooklyn Bridge. Your sandwich will be "sleeping with the fishes" as they say. The PB MUST be evenly applied to one side of both slices of bread in a 2:1 ratio. This is what sets it apart as a PB²&J sandwich, as compared to a regular old PB&J. On the initial slice, you need to apply two thirds (2/3) the amount of total PB you want on the finished product. This can be tricky just trying to eye-ball and gage the amount of PB to put on it, unless you are a well practiced PB&J sandwich architect. If you mess up and put too much, thats okay, throw it away and start over. Making a PB&J is about making mistakes (and sandwiches) and learning from them. Once you've spread the PB on the initial slice, it is now time to commense the spreading of PB on slice number 2. You may be asking yourself why you would need to spread PB on both of the inner sides of your bread. And here is the simple answer. If you let your jam touch your bread, its gonna get soggy, and the only thing worst than a soggy sandwich is a soggy sandwich with dog poop in it. Spread the PB thin. Use approximately half as much PB as you did on the first slice, creating that glorious 2:1 ratio as described earlier.

Jammer time! (like Hammer time!, except its time to spread the jam, not listen to MC Hammer, although in theory, you could do both at the same time... something to contimplate while setting a constructive atmosphere for your PB²&J sandwich creating experience.)

Choosing the RIGHT jam...
I know, I know.. There are alot of choices to make when making a PB²&J sandwich, but when you are creating a work of art... Something you can really be proud of... There is NO cutting corners. The absolute best jams are ALWAYS home made. If you can get your hands on a jar of home made jam, regardless of flavor, you will enjoy your sandwich ten times more because of that little touch of home infused with your sandwich. But if your mom won't share a jar of jam with you, and making your own sounds like alot of work... there is an alternative. Yep, you guessed it, store bought jam. Smuckers™ is okay and relatively cheap, but its definetly not home made. I recommend raspberry. It has a little bit of a zing to it, which can really add alot to the experience. Strawberry is also highly recommended if you have a little bit of a sweet tooth like me. Don't get grape jam and DO NOT under ANY circumstances get anything from Smuckers™ "Goober" line (it has both the jam and the PB in the same jar, what an awful idea) or the any of the squeezable jams. Once you have selected your jam, spread that ish all up in here!!! (I like to spread it on slice two to make slices one and two a little bit closer in weight, just my personal preferrence.)

Putting your sandwich together...
Put the slice of bread with out jam on top of the slice with jam.

Now you have a work of art. A PB²&J sandwich. It's beautiful... and delicious.
Bon Appetite my friends!

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Interesting Deaths

A while back, when I was working a Noodles & Company™, I had an interesting conversation with some of my coworkers that I would like to share with you. Yep, Y-O-U. Its about death. But specifically terrible deaths. ie: ways to die. The two that I personally thought were the most creative and well thought out came from Steven and Weston.

Scenario 1:

You are in the room. No doors. No windows. How did you get in here? It's irrelevant, so I'm not going to bother explaining how. After being in the room for just over an hour, you start noticing the ceiling isnt't quite as high as it was when you first got in the room. It's nearly a foot closer to you than it originally was. Seven hours go by, and at this point, you have been lying on the ground for quite sometime. The room isn't tall enough to be in any other position. Eventually you can feel the ceiling start to press up against the side of your cheek. Pressure builds and you can feel your cheek bones starting to crack. The ceiling is pressing so hard, but so slowly, it cracks your skull. But because it is going so slow you can still process thought and feel shards of your skull pressing up into your brain until you are rendered unconcious or dead.

Sounds awful. Thanks Steven.

Scenario 2:

This one is a little bit different. This one is more of a "How to..." on creating a horrific and bloody mess out of a suicide, also creating a little bit of a mystery for the detectives who work on your case.
Step one: Find a tall building with a roof or balcony that is easily accessible. (I recommend the balcony for reasons that I will address shortly. Also, not too high, 4th floor through 6th floor should be sufficient.. but keep in mind, this is just an idea, and has not (to my knowledge) been tested.)
Step two: Go to Lowe's or Home Depot and pick yourself up some razor wire and super glue. (Industrial strength on both, please.)
Step three: Using gloves and/or pliers, attach one end of the razor wire around the hand rail that goes around the balcony... You know what Im talking about. Be sure to leave your self some slack. You'll need it l8r.
Step four: Take the other end and wrap it around your neck. Be careful not to cut yourself. There are some major arteries in your neck and damaging one of those babies and bleeding out on the balcony of some high-end Las Vegas hotel would just be embarrassing for you, and everyone you are leaving behind.
Step five: Here is where the super glue comes into play and it all starts making a little bit of sense. Glue your hands to the side of your head.
Step six: Jump off the side of the balcony.

If everything happens according to plan, the razor wire should tighten up as gravity starts to pull your body downward. The razor wire should then slice right through your neck, severing your head from your body. Quick. Easy. Relatively painless (in theory). If you didn't listen and went with the cheaper, weaker razor wire you run the risk of it just snapping and you looking like a fool. Because your hands are glued to the side of your head, once you hit the ground, who ever finds you should see your dead body holding your own severed head!

Tasteless! I love it! Thanks Weston.

DISCLAIMER: I do not actually recommend suicide (especially this method) as a means to an end. This scenario is purely for fanticising and to get the gears of creativity moving in your mind.

Feel free to leave your own ideas of terrible ways to go in the comment area.

Shower + Bath = Shath

Ah a shath.... What is a "shath," you ask? Well if the title of this blog entry didn't give you a hint, let me spell it out for you.....

S.... S is for Shower. First you must shower. Cleanse your body if impurities... (not like a
baptism,baptism is for the cleansing of the soul... a quick shower (with soap) will be
suffecient to clean your body.) Cause the last thing you want in a bath, is to be bathing in
your own filth.
H.... H is for Heat. Make sure the water is HOT!
A.... A is for Awesome shath. Shaths are awesome.. and fun.
T.... T is for Turn your shower into a bath by plugging the bath tub up and let the water fill
up the tub until you are completely submerged in perfectly clean, hot water.
H.... H.. This second "H" is for Have popsicles (Otterpops™ are delicious, but most any delicious
popsicle will do) or Coca-Cola™ , Coca-Cola Cherry™ , or Vanilla Coca-Cola™ (ice cold, in a

GUARANTEED to be a life-changing experience. You'll never want to go back to a quote-unquote "shower" again.. if you can even call it that. And just a plain old bath??? Forget about it. Once you take a shath, you never go back. So for people who dont enjoy fun and liesurely activities, than this is not for you... but if you're fun, and coooooool. Bon apetite! Eat this up.

Chili's Molten Chocolate Cake

.. is the only good thing on their menu.
and its VERY good.

Really Great Ideas For Childrens Clown Names

Pedo the Clown
Jerry Sienfeld
Dootie (bomb)
Butterfree (girl clown/pokemon)
Kevin Otterson (a REAL clown)
Big Feet/Red Nose/Poka Dots
Mo Lester (the Clown)

... terrible and tasteless....? possibly and almost certainly..
nearly all of these names would be fitting for childrens clown names, especially if you add "the Clown" after it (except in the cases where the name already has "the Clown" at the end.. which would be rather redundant to say (blank) the Clown, the Clown... but on second thought, it really does put an extra emphasis on the fact that he/she is a clown... things to think about...)

Clowns are wierd anyway.. so fake... so smiley. I mean, making kids smile is priceless on almost any occasion... but people go to clown college to do it... sounds inappropriate to me. They deserve names like "Mo Lester" and ""Pedo" the Clown"...

Or they could just be nice people, who knows.... Ive never met a clown..
Its just a meditation.

Most of these thoughts are mine, but Andrew helped get the ball rolling on this one.

Rafting In The Summer On Utah Lake: A Haiku

Sun on my body,
Coca-Cola™ in my hand,
my life is a dream.